Hovel Hunters International, Ep. 8. The Big Pipe-Dream.

Rustic. A fixer-upper.

Here at Hovel Hunters International, spring is in the air and we’ve been looking at that beachfront, retirement lifestyle.

Our first photo is of something quite rustic, but the strange thing is that we thought of quite a few things one could do to it to make it more attractive and yes, livable. That might include a proper porch and deck for the door at the side. It might include a really good-sized plastic prefab shed at the back, assuming we could still get our sailboat out of there, which is visible in the picture. These lots are pretty narrow, and you probably can’t get it out using the other side, as there might be a fence with only two or three feet of clearance. We could run a little flower bed up along the left side of the house, and contain the driveway within clearly-defined limits. We could put in some nice bay windows and a real small metal stove or fireplace. We could paint it a different colour or change the style of siding if one had the time, the money, a few tools and some minor skills. A big Florida room on the one side would really open it up, and this one doesn’t look too mobile anyways, although technically, it could still be done. But you’d be opening up a big hole in the side to do that. (That only makes sense if you’re going to make the whole thing look pretty.)

Throw some trusses up there and make it look like a real roof. This one at least has some length to it and therefore some interior space, which is important on a long winter’s day.

Sure, it’s a big pipe-dream, but if you don’t dream, what the hell.

I've actually been in this one, which was for sale a few years ago for $27,000.00 as I recall. It was quite nice inside with the usual park model layout, i.e. long and skinny. This was actually wider, as compared to some others and much more attractive. Walk in the front door, to the right is the living room and kitchenette. To the left is a hallway leading to the bathroom and two bedrooms, one of which is quite small.

At the time, I went to the bank and spoke to a very nice lady. She told me I could get (even on ODSP, the Ontario Disability Support Program pension), a mortgage of $30,000.00 as long as I put $15,000.00 down. I could qualify for a line of credit to the tune of $12,000.00 or boost my credit limit on the credit card to a whopping $7,500.00. That was about the time when I began to doubt their collective and corporate sanity, (what, are you, nuts?)  but that government cheque rolling in each and every month apparently counts for something. Reliability, perhaps, hopefully within reason…but what do I know, I’m not a banker.

You can't get a mortgage on a trailer because it's portable. There is no title and deed to the land, and lot fees can be stiff at an estimated $400.00 a month, plus utilities. A few years ago, this one was going for $34,000.00 or thereabouts. The thing is, you're fifty metres from the beach and that counts for something.

Ultimately, you’re out of an apartment in mid-town, and into a trailer or park model near the beach. You own the trailer, presumably, (or you are making payments of some kind.) You sit on leased land, and there is always some possibility of the place being closed, shut down and then you got to move or you lose your big ‘investment’.

As you can see, this one is for sale. It's also barely thirty feet long at a quick glance.

Again, only fifty metres to the beach.

The initial impression is perhaps a bit nicer than the first one, but this one is just way too small.

Many park models have a built-beside room, and many have some kind of a deck or a shed.

My buddy Rick says trailers are a real tornado magnet, when of course what we’re really looking for is a different kind of magnet—you know, a pussy magnet.

Snork.

Thank you for reading.

Hovel Hunters International, Ep. 5: Food Banks a National Disgrace.

Right now Canstruction is going on at the mall, raising food and donations for the Inn of the Good Shepherd.

I'm opposed to food banks, which in my opinion are a national disgrace. Food banks are, or never should be, anything more than a temporary solution. Unfortunately, they have become a permanent blight in every Canadian city and town.

Here's what Miles Yappi and local radio aren't telling you about poverty in Canada, in Ontario, in your home town. In 1995, provincial welfare rates were slashed, from $663.00/month for a single adult down to $520.00/month for a single adult. Here's what a single adult receives in assistance now, 2017: $681.00 a month. That's twenty-two years later--twenty-two years of inflation that rarely runs much below three percent and sometimes a lot higher. Then there is the principle of compounding, something middle-class poverty enablers understand very well in their own savings or debt programs. "Each cut or each raise is compounded on top of the result upon which it is based."

The thing is, we're retarded children--mentally ill/addictions; none of us went past grade three and therefore we're not supposed to know that.

Unfortunately, we can do the math.

So, what's the average price of a one-bedroom apartment in this town? At a quick guess, about $681.00/month. But then, Landlordie McLandlordface can do the math just as well as you can—and he sees all them government cheques and fucking food banks too.

Local food banks also have rent and utility banks. They can help in an emergency. But I'll be damned if I'm going to rent an apartment that is way beyond my means, knowing that I can always go down there once a month, especially in winter, and throw myself on their mercy and their generosity in order to heat the fucking place. The same goes double for home ownership, no matter how smart it would be to build up a bit of equity for my alleged retirement.

You can’t get that assistance if the heat and power are included in your astronomical rent, can you? At some point they must ask, ‘why don’t just you get a cheaper place…???’

And the landlord, and the government, know all that too.

Maybe you could rent a place for less than that—and there are one-roomers available for as little as $95.00/week. There’s one right downtown on Brock St., handily enough, a stone’s throw from the Canadian Mental Health Association.

Have you ever wondered what that might look like?

Let alone live in it.

Thank you for reading.

END